I am new to this forum. I recently discovered I have the traits... Did a lot of reading on the matter and now I'm weighing up the pros and cons, and basically whether I should turn a blind eye to this altogether... I mean, I don't want to give myself any excuses for not being able to perform everyday tasks.
A bit about me. I'm in my mid-twenties. I'm a university graduate. I find that I'm different to average people. I always thought I was just eccentric, unique, selective interests or perhaps a 'creative genius'. After reading about Asperger's it just seems a bit too coincidental that I fall into the categories. To top it off my Dad voluntarily told me he once suspected he was Autistic. I'm freaking out. I feel like the guy in Vincent van Gogh's Scream.
I have done 2 different online Asperger's test. I did them twice each as honestly as possible for good measure. I'm not sure what to believe. I'm rated to have mostly mid-range Asperger's traits and some lower-level traits. Another test rated me to have a score of 30, where scores of 32 or higher correlated with people with Asperger's. Am I in the other 20%? Since I exhibit Asperger's traits and had a high score in that test does that mean I have Asperger's?
To validate the tests' accuracy, I had my brother try. He basically got completely opposite results, mostly non-Asperger's traits in the neurotypical scale.
In a way I do feel relieved that my gut feelings were right and I wasn't delirious. At the same time I'm dissapointed that the research for this matter was only discovered in 1994, where most research appears inconclusive.
Thinking back over the past years and further back to early childhood, I've started to recall my odities. As a kid I played with toys obsessively. I would be so preoccupied playing that I would forgo the need to eat, urinate, respond to my mother calling for me. Everything else just sounded like a distant echo in the background. I was in a trance and this happened often. I was visually transfixed on things like spinning truck wheels, rain water flowing through gutters, swirling water flushing down toilets.
I used to walk around the house on my tippy toes. I'd creep into my parents room. I set up animal traps in my backyard. When not in a trance-like state, distant sounds or foreign noises would instantly distract me and I would hone my hearing to figure out what the sound was. It felt like I was doing things for the sake of doing it. I didn't necessarily get any satisfaction or reward either. Just if I didn't do what I felt compelled to do, I wouldn't rest until it was done. I suppose I got satisfaction from completion.
As I got older I've realised the so called 'special interests'. They are like obsessions or obsessive phases at the least of times. I need to do certain things a certain way otherwise I'll be really unsatisfied.
I have ritualistic behaviour in my daily activities. If I'm disturbed I get frustrated and sometimes very cranky. If an object I usually require is misplaced, it will really get on my nerves. I feel tempted to blow steam off at the people around me. Without people, I think I would implode.
Apparently I have social awkwardness or ineptness. I also have a problem with rules, authority, guidelines, teachers, bossy parents, P.E. teachers with whistles and anything that boxes me in. I got into fights all the time in pre-school, primary school and early years in high school. I vividly remember the first day of kindergarten. I think I got teased by some of the other boys, so I hit them. Consequently, I received a detention and sat outside on a bench for what felt like an entire afternoon. In high school I was suspended on multiple occasions. I always felt attacked and intimidated by other boys and hence I preemptively retaliated on my own accord.
I don't take criticism well at all. Anything that interrupts my life, my way, my methods, I feel derailed.
Strangely I always had friends but never liked people on the whole. I always felt the need for alone time. Sitting in the corner of a class room and obsessively sketch. The only times I usually spoke to people was when spoken to. Kids would admire the stuff I drew and ask me to draw things for them. I'd usually follow through, but later feel regretful of doing so when I could have done my own stuff.
Sometimes I blame others in my mind. It feels like I 'started the day on the wrong foot' or I 'slept on the wrong side of the bed'. I then start thinking of ways to avoid those people that affect me or people in general. It's almost like I'm shaping my world to suit my own lifestyle and obsessions. I know this is not right and I don't think this is healthy, but looking at my patterns, it appears to be getting worse and I just want to control it.
What self-help remedies are there for Asperger's?